Living in LA was a dark chapter in my life for me largely because I felt helpless & dis-empowered in so many ways. I had an agent sending me out for roles that were, to be frank, embarrassing as an Asian-American woman on top of the fact that I was maxed out on my credit cards & barely able to pay rent working my 3 part-time jobs to make ends meet every month. I don’t doubt that that particular period of time created in me an unbreakable will to survive but even still, looking back now, I don’t know how I came out of it & 6 years later, ended up where I am right now…a much healthier & happier place for which I am so grateful. One thing I have learned having gone through that period of time is how when we as human beings are in a bad place, how it spills over into how we treat those around & closest to us. An otherwise sweet & happy person can turn into a monster when he/she is in an unhappy place in their life…and I’ve learned now that when I am the object of such negativity & harshness, to learn to see that it has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with that particular person. It has taken me years to realize this & in turn, has allowed me to forgive & give grace to those who are presently in the place where I was so many years ago. I write about this because sometimes in life, something happens & you realize how much you have changed. My agent reached out to me with an audition for a role where I would be playing an overly sexualized character with a very Asian name…now, I have no problem with playing a character that has a very Asian name, is nude or having sex but what I do have a problem with is when my embodying this particular type of character is purposeless & serves as brainless entertainment. Now this film is #SAGAFTRA & would pay scale. On top of that, it would be a lead character so I’d get a ton of screen time. Had this particular role been sent to me a decade ago when I was in a place in my life where my self esteem & self worth were fake like everything around me at the time, then I would have been at the will & mercy of #hollywood & the people who don’t really care about my career or me as a person – they would have told me to jump & I would then desperately ask “how high” As I have become wiser & come to accept/love myself, I stopped putting up with the bullshit & learned how to stand up for myself.
…so I told my agent that I wasn’t interested in the story or the role & said I wouldn’t be auditioning. Any working actor knows that this is career suicide but you know what, I’ve worked too damn hard in my acting career to advance myself as an Asian American actor & roles like the one I got sent would not be doing anything to advance my career in the direction that I want…in fact, I know that it would only leave me embarrassed & insecure about who I am & what I’m doing. On that note, to my fellow actors, I implore you to not do anything or feel like you have to take a role if you don’t feel comfortable about it or can’t do it with a clear conscience. If your agent/manager/director/producer tries to make you feel like shit for speaking up for yourself, then guess what, you shouldn’t be working with them & there are endless opportunities out there…don’t buy into the lie that “this role” is your only opportunity. Instead, I encourage you all to write about all that you’ve experienced in your life thus far…and act in your own stories…then submit the film to my film festival via #filmfreeway or #withoutabox – #SiliconValleyInternationalFilmFestival because people like me will be the ones that give you a voice & platform for your story…all I ask is for authenticity & vulnerability. Create & #nevergiveup #wearethechange #actorslife #directorslife #producerslife #millennials
My favorite pastor is going through a series at my church & it is rocking me so hard – take a look…it’ll be worth your time
Christina July Kim 