I haven’t been able to sleep lately…or rather, I fall asleep around 9 when I’m putting my kids to sleep then end up wide awake at 3am 😳
…while everyone in my family is fast asleep, gently snoring…I’m left alone with my thoughts and reflections…it seems as if the middle of the night is the only time when I get to reflect, and pray, and unpack the thoughts that have been shoved into my subconscious throughout the endlessly busy days…
*UPDATE*
I’ve signed with an amazing talent agent in NYC…we had coffee together and that meeting lasted 2 hours. It’s so incredible when things are meant to be and start falling into place…after months, years, decades of prayers being told “not yet…you’re not ready”
So much exasperation waiting…but in retrospect…so thankful that the God who created me truly does know me so intimately and so well…and knew that although my heart would be broken and I would be left frustrated by all the closed doors I encountered on my acting journey…it really was because I wasn’t mentally ready.
I come from a broken home and I don’t think people realize the gravity and mental trauma that is caused in being raised in a home where your parents are constantly fighting, being passive aggressive with one another and ultimately break apart…being raised by immigrant parents who are desperately trying to provide for their family while struggling with their own unresolved demons…
I didn’t start dating until much later in life…and it was during my season of dating when I hit 30 that my eyes were opened to how my childhood traumas truly set me up for self sabotage, many times even before the relationship had a chance to take off. It was during dating that my deeply rooted insecurities, in addition to my poor communication skills (which I indirectly learned from my parents) came to light.
I can’t remember when I put acting on the back burner…maybe when I moved away from LA in 2011 because I was burnt out…working 3 part time jobs to make ends meet? Burnt out from having my heart broken? Burnt out from trying to get an agent to represent me after my former agent suddenly passed away? Burnt out from being a hamster on a wheel…waking up each day but not really living life.
I wrote about this in past entries but moving up to the Bay Area was seriously the best thing that could have happened to me…and crazy to think that I moved up here largely because of a guy I was convinced I was going to marry…who helped me move into my new place, who picked me up every week and took me to his church…who I was convinced was the person I was going to make movies with…but was someone who ended up breaking my heart because he wasn’t romantically interested in me. Maybe he was at one point but somewhere along the way, he lost interest. Looking back, funny how God knew the way to get my attention was though guys…it was always though guys! …and I will forever be grateful that God used that particular man to get me to take the plunge and leave LA because being in this new environment kickstarted a new season of my life. Funny how new environments can do that, right? I’m certain that’s the reason why even now, I don’t hesitate in picking up and moving my family if the opportunity arises, but I digress. Up in the Bay Area I took a much needed break and landed a tech job where I was thrown into the world of vast wealth, ambition, hard work and grit. I’m fascinated by the psychology of Nature vs Nurture where yes we’re affected by both but I firmly believe that the pull of Nurture (environment/people who you surround yourself with) is much stronger than Nature (natural qualities or pre-dispositions you’re born with). The conversations were so different from the conversations I had while living in LA with fellow struggling artists and I started to thrive. I started to actually live life. I started to date and open up to people and in turn started unpacking all the baggage that had cluttered my soul. I learned how to rebound after heartbreak and get back up to try again…and I wrote some movies about my experiences along the way.
My agent sent me an audition this past Thursday. I spent Friday reading the script and getting started on memorizing my sides. I realized that the self tape audition tsunami would begin so I went to the store and bought a curtain rod and dark gray curtains which would serve as my self tape background. I assembled my recording studio and finally on Sunday while my kids were taking their afternoon nap, I recorded my audition. The only reason why I was able to upload and submit my tapes so quickly was because I knew how to edit, which I taught myself how to do through YouTube and Vimeo videos. I sent the videos off to my agent and he promptly sent the videos off to the casting director. I have a feeling I’m going to get it…and I’m going to land all the auditions that come my way. Why? Because I’m finally at a stable place in my life when I can handle all the success.
What does that even mean…stable place in my life? It means I have a husband who supports me who is not going anywhere…and believe me…I tried. I must have broken up with him several times when we were dating and even called off our engagement a couple months before our wedding…not because it had anything to do with him…but everything to do with me. Frequently in past relationships, at the sign of trouble, I would be quick to cut the cord and run away not because I didn’t care for them (the opposite actually) but because I was afraid…afraid that my heart would get broken…afraid that they would change their mind about me once they got to know me better…afraid that the relationship would end up like my parents…that he would be controlling…that I would have to give up on my dreams. While others allowed me to push them away, I realize that it was because I wasn’t their person. When someone is your person, you don’t let yourself be pushed away and you always come back…which is what my now husband did, again and again…which honestly had prepared him for when things got tough with 2 kids and I tried pushing him away again. My rock. Seriously. A Capricorn through and though and someone for whom I thank God everyday because it’s though him that I physically am able to see how much God loves me 😭
There were so many closed doors in the past that shattered my heart into pieces and left me paralyzed for long stretches of time…and in the moment I didn’t understand why those doors had closed but now…in the present…things made sense. Some of the closed doors happened 20, 10, 5 years ago…there are still a few doors that closed that I still don’t have an explanation for…but I know in due time, it will come together and make sense. Isn’t that what faith is? Not seeing but believing and carrying on anyway, knowing that the answer will come because God promises that if you knock, the door will be opened…even though you have to knock for a long time.
I’ll end with a song I currently have on repeat – my favorite part is: Even when I don’t see it, You’re working
Even when I can’t feel it, You’re working
You never stop, You never stop working
You never stop, You never stop working
You are here, moving in our midst
I worship You, I worship You
You are here, working in this place
I worship You, I worship You
You are here, moving in our midst
I worship You, I worship You
You are here, working in this place
I worship You, I worship You
And we say waymaker, miracle worker
Promise keeper, light in the darkness
My God, that is who You are
Waymaker, miracle worker
Promise keeper, light in the darkness
My God, that is who You are, oh
You are here, touching every heart
I worship You, I worship You, I lift my hands
You are here, healing every heart (and we workship You)
I worship You, I worship You
You are here, mending every heart
I worship You, I worship You (I love to worship You)
You are here Lord, turning lives around
I worship You, I worship You (yes I do)
(Everybody lift it up and sing)
Waymaker, miracle worker
Promise keeper, light in the darkness
My God, that is who You are
Waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper
Light in the darkness
My God, that is who You are (I said)
Even when I don’t see it, You’re working
Even when I can’t feel it, You’re working
You never stop, You never stop working
You never stop, You never stop working
Even when I can’t see it, You’re working
Even when I can’t feel it, You’re working
You never stop, You never stop working
You never stop, You never stop working
He never stops working, no
Our God is at work with us here
Our God is a healer, He’s a comforter
Waymaker, miracle worker
Promise keeper, light in the darkness
My God, that is who You are
(Everybody lift it up again and say) oh
Waymaker, miracle worker
Promise keeper, light in the darkness
My God, that is who You are
(One more time all over the building)
(Can you lift it up to Him)
Christina July Kim 