I think the hardest moments post breakup come when you’re alone…and the anxiety can become quite overwhelming. However, I’ve also noticed that listening to songs that remind me of who I am & how perfectly we are loved seem to bring an unexplainable peace to my heart & mind. I was listening to “He Knows My Name” by Franchesca Battistelli.
Breakups are always tough regardless of who initiates the break up. It’s so strange to see your best friend, confidant & someone you interacted with on a a regular basis fade into your past reduced to simply memories of a happier time.
There were so many reasons why I could have ignored my feelings & stayed with my ex: “everything’s already set in motion” “the invitations have been sent out” “the venue has my non refundable deposit” “I don’t want to be alone” “I don’t want to start over” and even still, there are voices in your head that whisper that “he/she will change” “let’s see if it gets better” “he/she didn’t mean it”
We all have specific ways in which we feel loved – there’s a great book out by Dr Gary Chapman called “The 5 Love Languages” that speak about the reason why there’s discord in relationships: namely, we all have primary love languages which when spoken into our lives, fill up our love tank & make us feel loved.
The problem lies when 2 people with very different love languages, disregard their partner’s primary love language & instead speak to them in most times, their own primary love language – the gesture is nice but it doesn’t do much in filling the love tank that all of us human beings innately have.
ex: if my partner’s primary love language is Quality Time & my primary love language is words of affirmation…if I’m busy with work and am not able to spend quality time with my partner, they are going to feel neglected. At the same time, if I share with my partner how much I appreciate them and they reply coldly or without words, I will most likely feel neglected myself.
I’m realizing that relationships are so much work…and unless both people are continuously replenishing each other’s love tanks, resentment can build which will ultimately create a giant wedge between yourself & your beloved. I’m also learning that getting out of a loveless/unhealthy relationship takes so much courage…and most people stay in their situations because of fear of the unknown…perhaps lack of self worth in thinking that they subconsciously don’t deserve love. Growing up with parents whom I saw never loved each other & instead resented each other, fighting all the time…I realize that I don’t want that for myself & instead need to find someone who can love me the way I desire to be loved.
I’ve read the articles that say marriage isn’t about your happiness & as a Christian I grew up seeing people staying in loveless & unhealthy relationships because Jesus loves us so we should love others…but shit, is it too much to just want to be with someone who can love me the way I would like to be loved & I can love them the way they want to be loved? Is there someone out there in this ginormous world who is open with whom I can grow & communicate with?
Although I am sad, at the same time I am so incredibly grateful for having had him be such a significant part of my life for a little over a year. When I met my ex, I was in a weird place in my faith and it wasn’t until I got together with him that I was drawn back to the heart of Christ…the irony is that he wasn’t even Christian when I met him. However, together, with open hearts, we were drawn back to church & intentionally got involved in a community of believers all the while participating in learning workshops that were offered by Westgate. As one season ends & another begins, I’m grateful for the fingerprints of God graciously & slowly appearing in my life as I bravely step out in faith after being the prodigal daughter.
“He Knows My Name”
Spent today in a conversation
In the mirror face to face with
somebody less than perfect
I wouldn’t choose me first if
I was looking for a champion
In fact I’d understand if
You picked everyone before me
But that’s just not my story
True to who You are
You saw my heart
and made
Something out of nothing
[Chorus:]
I don’t need my name in lights
I’m famous in my Father’s eyes
Make no mistake
He knows my name
I’m not living for applause
I’m already so adored
It’s all His stage
He knows my name oh, oh,
He knows my name oh, oh
I’m not meant to just stay quiet
I’m meant to be a lion
I’ll roar beyond a song
With every moment that I’ve got
True to who You are
You saw my heart
and made
Something out of nothing
[Chorus]
He calls me chosen, free forgiven, wanted, child of the King,
His forever, held in treasure…
I am loved
I don’t need my name in lights…
I’m famous in my Father’s eyes…
Christina July Kim 