Working Behind the Scenes

I haven’t been able to sleep lately…or rather, I fall asleep around 9 when I’m putting my kids to sleep then end up wide awake at 3am 😳

…while everyone in my family is fast asleep, gently snoring…I’m left alone with my thoughts and reflections…it seems as if the middle of the night is the only time when I get to reflect, and pray, and unpack the thoughts that have been shoved into my subconscious throughout the endlessly busy days…

*UPDATE*

I’ve signed with an amazing talent agent in NYC…we had coffee together and that meeting lasted 2 hours. It’s so incredible when things are meant to be and start falling into place…after months, years, decades of prayers being told “not yet…you’re not ready”

So much exasperation waiting…but in retrospect…so thankful that the God who created me truly does know me so intimately and so well…and knew that although my heart would be broken and I would be left frustrated by all the closed doors I encountered on my acting journey…it really was because I wasn’t mentally ready.

I come from a broken home and I don’t think people realize the gravity and mental trauma that is caused in being raised in a home where your parents are constantly fighting, being passive aggressive with one another and ultimately break apart…being raised by immigrant parents who are desperately trying to provide for their family while struggling with their own unresolved demons…

I didn’t start dating until much later in life…and it was during my season of dating when I hit 30 that my eyes were opened to how my childhood traumas truly set me up for self sabotage, many times even before the relationship had a chance to take off. It was during dating that my deeply rooted insecurities, in addition to my poor communication skills (which I indirectly learned from my parents) came to light.

I can’t remember when I put acting on the back burner…maybe when I moved away from LA in 2011 because I was burnt out…working 3 part time jobs to make ends meet? Burnt out from having my heart broken? Burnt out from trying to get an agent to represent me after my former agent suddenly passed away? Burnt out from being a hamster on a wheel…waking up each day but not really living life.

I wrote about this in past entries but moving up to the Bay Area was seriously the best thing that could have happened to me…and crazy to think that I moved up here largely because of a guy I was convinced I was going to marry…who helped me move into my new place, who picked me up every week and took me to his church…who I was convinced was the person I was going to make movies with…but was someone who ended up breaking my heart because he wasn’t romantically interested in me. Maybe he was at one point but somewhere along the way, he lost interest. Looking back, funny how God knew the way to get my attention was though guys…it was always though guys! …and I will forever be grateful that God used that particular man to get me to take the plunge and leave LA because being in this new environment kickstarted a new season of my life. Funny how new environments can do that, right? I’m certain that’s the reason why even now, I don’t hesitate in picking up and moving my family if the opportunity arises, but I digress. Up in the Bay Area I took a much needed break and landed a tech job where I was thrown into the world of vast wealth, ambition, hard work and grit. I’m fascinated by the psychology of Nature vs Nurture where yes we’re affected by both but I firmly believe that the pull of Nurture (environment/people who you surround yourself with) is much stronger than Nature (natural qualities or pre-dispositions you’re born with). The conversations were so different from the conversations I had while living in LA with fellow struggling artists and I started to thrive. I started to actually live life. I started to date and open up to people and in turn started unpacking all the baggage that had cluttered my soul. I learned how to rebound after heartbreak and get back up to try again…and I wrote some movies about my experiences along the way.

My agent sent me an audition this past Thursday. I spent Friday reading the script and getting started on memorizing my sides. I realized that the self tape audition tsunami would begin so I went to the store and bought a curtain rod and dark gray curtains which would serve as my self tape background. I assembled my recording studio and finally on Sunday while my kids were taking their afternoon nap, I recorded my audition. The only reason why I was able to upload and submit my tapes so quickly was because I knew how to edit, which I taught myself how to do through YouTube and Vimeo videos. I sent the videos off to my agent and he promptly sent the videos off to the casting director. I have a feeling I’m going to get it…and I’m going to land all the auditions that come my way. Why? Because I’m finally at a stable place in my life when I can handle all the success.

What does that even mean…stable place in my life? It means I have a husband who supports me who is not going anywhere…and believe me…I tried. I must have broken up with him several times when we were dating and even called off our engagement a couple months before our wedding…not because it had anything to do with him…but everything to do with me. Frequently in past relationships, at the sign of trouble, I would be quick to cut the cord and run away not because I didn’t care for them (the opposite actually) but because I was afraid…afraid that my heart would get broken…afraid that they would change their mind about me once they got to know me better…afraid that the relationship would end up like my parents…that he would be controlling…that I would have to give up on my dreams. While others allowed me to push them away, I realize that it was because I wasn’t their person. When someone is your person, you don’t let yourself be pushed away and you always come back…which is what my now husband did, again and again…which honestly had prepared him for when things got tough with 2 kids and I tried pushing him away again. My rock. Seriously. A Capricorn through and though and someone for whom I thank God everyday because it’s though him that I physically am able to see how much God loves me 😭

There were so many closed doors in the past that shattered my heart into pieces and left me paralyzed for long stretches of time…and in the moment I didn’t understand why those doors had closed but now…in the present…things made sense. Some of the closed doors happened 20, 10, 5 years ago…there are still a few doors that closed that I still don’t have an explanation for…but I know in due time, it will come together and make sense. Isn’t that what faith is? Not seeing but believing and carrying on anyway, knowing that the answer will come because God promises that if you knock, the door will be opened…even though you have to knock for a long time.

I’ll end with a song I currently have on repeat – my favorite part is: Even when I don’t see it, You’re working
Even when I can’t feel it, You’re working
You never stop, You never stop working
You never stop, You never stop working

Waymaker

You are here, moving in our midst
I worship You, I worship You
You are here, working in this place
I worship You, I worship You
You are here, moving in our midst
I worship You, I worship You
You are here, working in this place
I worship You, I worship You

And we say waymaker, miracle worker
Promise keeper, light in the darkness
My God, that is who You are
Waymaker, miracle worker
Promise keeper, light in the darkness
My God, that is who You are, oh

You are here, touching every heart
I worship You, I worship You, I lift my hands
You are here, healing every heart (and we workship You)
I worship You, I worship You
You are here, mending every heart
I worship You, I worship You (I love to worship You)
You are here Lord, turning lives around
I worship You, I worship You (yes I do)
(Everybody lift it up and sing)

Waymaker, miracle worker
Promise keeper, light in the darkness
My God, that is who You are
Waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper
Light in the darkness
My God, that is who You are (I said)

Even when I don’t see it, You’re working
Even when I can’t feel it, You’re working
You never stop, You never stop working
You never stop, You never stop working
Even when I can’t see it, You’re working
Even when I can’t feel it, You’re working
You never stop, You never stop working
You never stop, You never stop working

He never stops working, no
Our God is at work with us here
Our God is a healer, He’s a comforter

Waymaker, miracle worker
Promise keeper, light in the darkness
My God, that is who You are
(Everybody lift it up again and say) oh
Waymaker, miracle worker
Promise keeper, light in the darkness
My God, that is who You are
(One more time all over the building)
(Can you lift it up to Him)

Manifesting Your Dreams

I got into filmmaking because I wanted to create acting opportunities for myself. My mental health went on a crazy roller coaster of a ride when I was living in Los Angeles being sent out to audition for “token Asian” roles or roles that only saw me as “Asian” – very rarely was I considered for the meaty roles that my non-Asian friends were being called in to read for. As a filmmaker and screenwriter, I was finally able to create the characters I was frequently overlooked for in Hollywood and tell the stories I wanted to tell; the stories of unrequited love (Dropping the S Bomb), relationship blunders (Backup Plan), relationship realizations (Right Person Wrong Time), devastating heartbreak with a toxic relationship (Letting Go) and learning to let go of toxic friendships (Chasing Birdie). As I was going through the film festival circuit with films that I created, I saw some incredible films and longed to connect with the filmmakers of those films BUT found it impossible to connect with people at these massively large events. However, one thing I noticed is that all of the filmmakers were connected to the film festival organizer.

THAT is why I started the Silicon Valley International Film Festival – FINALLY, I was not only able to merge the world that paid the bills and kept the lights on (have worked in tech for a little over 10 years now) but more importantly, I was able to get connected with the types of filmmakers that I have ALWAYS wanted to be connected with as an ACTOR.

I can’t believe I’ve already hosted The Silicon Valley International Film Festival for 6 years…going on SEVEN 🤯 Every year, I evolve and adapt to make the experience better for everyone and create value for both filmmakers pitching their next film project and for the tech professionals who may potentially invest.

At the end of every year before the ball drops and we usher into a new year, I ask myself: what do I want to accomplish for the New Year? I’ve been thinking a lot about my acting career (that had to take a major back seat when my kids came onto the scene) and what I wanted to accomplish for myself for this year. For those involved in the film world, you know that Sundance (one of the biggest and most prestigious film festivals in the world right now where films, directors and actors get discovered) is going on right now. Since it was the FIRST time that it has gone virtual, I bought myself a pass and was finally able to virtually attend…and…I.AM.INSPIRED

My goal for this year? To work and invest in a film project that goes to Sundance. How am I going to make that happen? Connect with the filmmakers of the films I LOVE at Sundance and invite them to the Silicon Valley International Film Festival in December.

BOOM 💥

Sometimes you can’t just wait at home praying that God delivers the groceries (that you didn’t even take the steps to order) to your house; you have to go out and GET THEM.

Create opportunities for yourself; plant seeds and keep planting seeds…because you never know which ones will grow…maybe they all will (Ecclesiastes 11:6).

*cheers* to manifesting your dreams and taking ACTION to make them a reality.

Not What I Had Expected…

When I found out I was pregnant with my first child 3 years ago, I knew that I would have to put my acting career on hold…and even if it was just going to be for a season…it absolutely broke my heart. I knew through that season, I would be going through extreme body changes, wouldn’t be getting sleep and would have to step back from the very thing that makes me come alive…acting.

…THEN my unexpected pregnancy and eventual birth of my second child at the beginning of 2020 happened. I was heartbroken that I would have to wait a little longer before I could jump back into acting. Finding an agent? Getting new headshots? Maybe when I lose all of this damn baby/breastfeeding weight! Maybe when I actually look like myself again. A little voice in the back of my head kept telling me that until I was back to my pre-baby body, I wouldn’t be able to act because no one would want to cast me. This toxic thinking came from years and years of living and working in Hollywood.

The thing that I will forever love about having lived and worked in Silicon Valley (and getting the hell out of SoCal) for as long as I did, is the “I’m going to forge my own path” mentality.

…but I digress…

At the beginning of 2020 after I had given birth to my 2nd child and was on maternity leave, I found myself spiraling into a dark place…maybe because of postpartum depression, maybe because of exhaustion, maybe because I felt like I had to put my dreams and goals on hold AGAIN to care for my baby. Sounds rough but it’s really the honest truth.
I had connected with Matthew Ramsaur, a filmmaker I had met at a film festival a couple years back and was on his email list for when he sent out his crowdfunding campaign for a short film he was directing and looking to raise funds for.
I must have watched the crowd funding campaign at like 3am after I had fed my baby and was having a hard time falling back asleep – I LOVED the idea for the film and was drawn to the synopsis that said the story centered around a female FBI agent who was investigating a sex trafficking ring in a small town.
I immediately emailed the director after watching the crowdfunding video and asked if he could send me the script because I was interested in being involved with the project. He sent me the script and after reading it, I made him a proposition: I’ll fund your entire film (ended up costing $20k) on the condition that I get cast as the lead for this project. We had a few conversations and I submitted an audition for the role and ended up not only executive producing this project but was also the lead actor.
YES, 2020 was a tough year for SO many reasons…but what got ME through it was knowing that I was back doing what I was passionate about: acting.

Fast forward to flying out for the film festival last October. I was fully expecting to attend the world premiere of my short film, “Promises of Snow” and being awarded the $25,000 grand prize and returning home with the Best Actress award. The aforementioned is why I was certain that I was headed to Louisiana in October. It’s really interesting in life how things rarely pan out the way you want…but as a Jesus follower, that’s completely fine because the things He values are often very different than the things we value; we have to constantly recalibrate our hearts and minds because His ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9).

A film that I executive produced and consequently, starred in called “Promises of Snow” got accepted into the Louisiana Film Prize as one of their top 20 films and I went to Shreveport, LA last month for its world premiere. I brought along my 3 year old son, Austin and my mother who has always been my biggest support on my acting journey.
We arrived Friday and later that evening was the opening red carpet and filmmaker toast as Film Prize kicked off. That evening, I noticed a man staring at my son, smiling and making funny faces. Seems a little strange but for whatever reason it didn’t alarm me. Later that evening at the Filmmaker Lounge, the man I saw throughout the evening came up to me to tell me that my son was the most adorable child he had ever seen. Him being a professional photographer and videographer (and having worked with numerous children) that compliment was a big deal! As the night progressed, he opened up to me how he was there with his wife because they had 2 films that had also been chosen to be in the top 20. He went on to share that both he and his wife never wanted children and he had even gotten a vasectomy to ensure that he would never have children. However, he said that after seeing my son, something in his heart had changed and he miraculously told his wife that night that he would look into getting his vasectomy reversed.
I was blown away and he then called his wife over. She came over and as they shared their story of how they met and how she had made peace with the fact that she would never have children, I realized that they were both Christian. Apparently it was her birthday the previous month (in September) and she had a friend in Los Angeles who was prophetic that had invited both her and her husband to come visit. It was during that particular trip in Los Angeles and the conversations that took place where it was her husband’s “Road to Damascus” moment where the scales had fallen from her husband’s eyes. After that trip (and being called out that he was trying to be the God of his own life) his heart started softening and changing.
To me, him saying that he wanted kids and was going to get his vasectomy reversed didn’t mean much to me…but to his wife, it was an answered prayer and a miracle…all because that night he met my son. I can only speculate, but maybe for the first time, instead of seeing children as a burden and a killjoy getting in the way of accomplishing one’s dreams, he saw them in a different light. Here I was traveling with and bringing my son into my world and dreams instead of giving up on my dreams and forfeiting my talents and ambitions.
In the middle of the VIP Lounge, we all huddled in a circle with my son climbing on my back to be included and we prayed. We prayed a prayer of thanks for being the miracle maker and for being the God that changes hearts and makes the impossible, possible.

The next day, as I was waiting for the VIP Lounge to open for lunch, I saw an older woman in a wheelchair being pushed by an older gentleman. He left and as she was waiting, she saw me and asked what was going on. I shared with her about my film and how we were in town for the film festival. She looked at my son and smiled but then sadness swept over her face as she shared how she had a son who had passed away when he was young. I asked her if she was from Shreveport and she said that she was from Arizona but had moved to Shreveport because her husband was from here. After her child and husband passed away, she stayed behind. We chatted for a little longer and she looked slightly uncomfortable as she asked me if I had any money for food. Without hesitation, I reached into my wallet and grabbed a $20 for her and the elderly gentleman who was pushing her. When I gave her the money, I said, “Jesus loves you Pat.” She did the sign of the cross then asked if I was Christian and went to church. I said yes and asked if she knew of any churches in the area since we weren’t from the area. She said she went to Simple Church down the road and as she was sharing about the church, her friend came back. I also gave him the $20 and he looked at me with eyes full of gratitude. She told him that we were Christian and I told them that I would meet them at church tomorrow. Ray had a government issued phone so we exchanged numbers.
Fast forward to the next morning. I was contemplating whether we should go or not…but finally after wrestling in my mind, I decided to go. I put in Simple Church in my Google maps which directed me to the Shreveport Convention Center. When we got there, all the doors were locked and a security guard let us inside. When I asked if they knew where simple church was, they said that there was a convention going on so Simple Church actually moved across town. However, there was a man, Tim setting up some signage and overheard our conversation. He said that if we were looking for a church, there was going to be a small service upstairs in one of the conference rooms for people who were traveling for the fishing convention. Perfect.
I called Ray and Pat to see where they were and told them that Simple church had moved across town but that we were invited to another church service at the convention center.
As I was waiting for them, I saw 3 boys who were standing outside of the room handing out bibles and sharing how Jesus came to save us; they were 9, 7 and 5 years old! I met their mother Brittany who was a pastor’s kid and I shared with her about the strangers I had met the day before and how we ended up at their church service. She shared that they were all there for the fishing conference through FCA (fellowship of Christian athletes) and how they were trying to get fishing and hunting included in FCA for the kids who weren’t as athletic.

As soon as Ray and Pat arrived, I took them up to where the small church service was and at the end of service, I was blown away by how so many people came up to Ray and Pat to welcome them. They even packed them all the food they had for them to take with them.
As Brittany and I were chatting with Pat, she opened up about how Ray was working odd jobs cleaning to get them off the streets and into a motel especially since the weather was getting colder. She also said that they were saving up to get a mini fridge from a pawn shop. Then, totally unprompted, Brittany reached into her purse and gave them a $100. Brittany told them to use the money to buy the mini fridge.
At that moment, Ray and Pat broke down into tears. I was so moved by what God had done and how He had connected us all at this random convention center in the middle of a fishing conference.

Our film didn’t end up winning; we didn’t even make it to the top 5. I didn’t win the best actress award like I had hoped BUT what happened that weekend was incredible. It was VERY different than what I had expected coming to Shreveport, but I know without a doubt that I encountered Jesus at work…and it was beautiful.

Promises of Snow Trailer

We Are The Change

 

Living in LA was a dark chapter in my life for me largely because I felt helpless & dis-empowered in so many ways. I had an agent sending me out for roles that were, to be frank, embarrassing as an Asian-American woman on top of the fact that I was maxed out on my credit cards & barely able to pay rent working my 3 part-time jobs to make ends meet every month. I don’t doubt that that particular period of time created in me an unbreakable will to survive but even still, looking back now, I don’t know how I came out of it & 6 years later, ended up where I am right now…a much healthier & happier place for which I am so grateful. One thing I have learned having gone through that period of time is how when we as human beings are in a bad place, how it spills over into how we treat those around & closest to us. An otherwise sweet & happy person can turn into a monster when he/she is in an unhappy place in their life…and I’ve learned now that when I am the object of such negativity & harshness, to learn to see that it has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with that particular person. It has taken me years to realize this & in turn, has allowed me to forgive & give grace to those who are presently in the place where I was so many years ago. I write about this because sometimes in life, something happens & you realize how much you have changed. My agent reached out to me with an audition for a role where I would be playing an overly sexualized character with a very Asian name…now, I have no problem with playing a character that has a very Asian name, is nude or having sex but what I do have a problem with is when my embodying this particular type of character is purposeless & serves as brainless entertainment. Now this film is #SAGAFTRA & would pay scale. On top of that, it would be a lead character so I’d get a ton of screen time. Had this particular role been sent to me a decade ago when I was in a place in my life where my self esteem & self worth were fake like everything around me at the time, then I would have been at the will & mercy of #hollywood & the people who don’t really care about my career or me as a person – they would have told me to jump & I would then desperately ask “how high” As I have become wiser & come to accept/love myself, I stopped putting up with the bullshit & learned how to stand up for myself.
…so I told my agent that I wasn’t interested in the story or the role & said I wouldn’t be auditioning. Any working actor knows that this is career suicide but you know what, I’ve worked too damn hard in my acting career to advance myself as an Asian American actor & roles like the one I got sent would not be doing anything to advance my career in the direction that I want…in fact, I know that it would only leave me embarrassed & insecure about who I am & what I’m doing. On that note, to my fellow actors, I implore you to not do anything or feel like you have to take a role if you don’t feel comfortable about it or can’t do it with a clear conscience. If your agent/manager/director/producer tries to make you feel like shit for speaking up for yourself, then guess what, you shouldn’t be working with them & there are endless opportunities out there…don’t buy into the lie that “this role” is your only opportunity. Instead, I encourage you all to write about all that you’ve experienced in your life thus far…and act in your own stories…then submit the film to my film festival via #filmfreeway or #withoutabox – #SiliconValleyInternationalFilmFestival because people like me will be the ones that give you a voice & platform for your story…all I ask is for authenticity & vulnerability. Create & #nevergiveup #wearethechange #actorslife #directorslife #producerslife #millennials

My favorite pastor is going through a series at my church & it is rocking me so hard – take a look…it’ll be worth your time

Breaking Up

 

I think the hardest moments post breakup come when you’re alone…and the anxiety can become quite overwhelming. However, I’ve also noticed that listening to songs that remind me of who I am & how perfectly we are loved seem to bring an unexplainable peace to my heart & mind. I was listening to “He Knows My Name” by Franchesca Battistelli.

Breakups are always tough regardless of who initiates the break up. It’s so strange to see your best friend, confidant & someone you interacted with on a a regular basis fade into your past reduced to simply memories of a happier time.

There were so many reasons why I could have ignored my feelings & stayed with my ex: “everything’s already set in motion” “the invitations have been sent out” “the venue has my non refundable deposit” “I don’t want to be alone” “I don’t want to start over” and even still, there are voices in your head that whisper that “he/she will change” “let’s see if it gets better” “he/she didn’t mean it”

We all have specific ways in which we feel loved – there’s a great book out by Dr Gary Chapman called “The 5 Love Languages” that speak about the reason why there’s discord in relationships: namely, we all have primary love languages which when spoken into our lives, fill up our love tank & make us feel loved.

The problem lies when 2 people with very different love languages, disregard their partner’s primary love language & instead speak to them in most times, their own primary love language – the gesture is nice but it doesn’t do much in filling the love tank that all of us human beings innately have.

ex: if my partner’s primary love language is Quality Time & my primary love language is words of affirmation…if I’m busy with work and am not able to spend quality time with my partner, they are going to feel neglected. At the same time, if I share with my partner how much I appreciate them and they reply coldly or without words, I will most likely feel neglected myself.

I’m realizing that relationships are so much work…and unless both people are continuously replenishing each other’s love tanks, resentment can build which will ultimately create a giant wedge between yourself & your beloved.  I’m also learning that getting out of a loveless/unhealthy relationship takes so much courage…and most people stay in their situations because of fear of the unknown…perhaps lack of self worth in thinking that they subconsciously don’t deserve love. Growing up with parents whom I saw never loved each other & instead resented each other, fighting all the time…I realize that I don’t want that for myself & instead need to find someone who can love me the way I desire to be loved.

I’ve read the articles that say marriage isn’t about your happiness & as a Christian I grew up seeing people staying in loveless & unhealthy relationships because Jesus loves us so we should love others…but shit, is it too much to just want to be with someone who can love me the way I would like to be loved & I can love them the way they want to be loved? Is there someone out there in this ginormous world who is open with whom I can grow & communicate with?

Although I am sad, at the same time I am so incredibly grateful for having had him be such a significant part of my life for a little over a year. When I met my ex, I was in a weird place in my faith and it wasn’t until I got together with him that I was drawn back to the heart of Christ…the irony is that he wasn’t even Christian when I met him. However, together, with open hearts, we were drawn back to church & intentionally got involved in a community of believers all the while participating in learning workshops that were offered by Westgate. As one season ends & another begins, I’m grateful for the fingerprints of God graciously & slowly appearing in my life as I bravely step out in faith after being the prodigal daughter.

“He Knows My Name”

Spent today in a conversation
In the mirror face to face with
somebody less than perfect
I wouldn’t choose me first if
I was looking for a champion
In fact I’d understand if
You picked everyone before me
But that’s just not my story
True to who You are
You saw my heart
and made
Something out of nothing

[Chorus:]
I don’t need my name in lights
I’m famous in my Father’s eyes
Make no mistake
He knows my name
I’m not living for applause
I’m already so adored
It’s all His stage
He knows my name oh, oh,
He knows my name oh, oh

I’m not meant to just stay quiet
I’m meant to be a lion
I’ll roar beyond a song
With every moment that I’ve got
True to who You are
You saw my heart
and made
Something out of nothing

[Chorus]

He calls me chosen, free forgiven, wanted, child of the King,
His forever, held in treasure…
I am loved

I don’t need my name in lights…
I’m famous in my Father’s eyes…

He Knows My Name

Happy Hour

I read an interesting article the other day by a writer who studied the daily habits of wealthy people and found that they all avoid one type of person at all costs: pessimists (http://www.businessinsider.com/rich-people-avoid-negative-people-2016-4)

We don’t have control over everything that happens in life but what we do have control over is who we let into our hearts & lives. In this new season of my life, I’m learning to take risks, step out of my comfort zone & investing in those who bring out the best in me…and as a result, I find myself happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. If you find yourself in a situation that makes you miserable (whether it be a job or relationship), I hope that you find the courage to either confront the situation or leave…from what I’ve learned thus far in life, there is so much love, acceptance & joy in this world to be bogged down by people and things that leave you depressed & gasping for air.

I hosted my very first team #happyhour & had a blast! Week 3 is in the books & each day that passes only serves as confirmation that I am right where I’m supposed to be surrounded by people who are meant to be in my life. My new boss & I text in #bitmoji…how cool is that? #Salesforce #dreamjob #nevergiveup

Closed Doors

On this road of filmmaking and acting, there have been many, many closed doors…but there have also been many open doors. I’m proud to announce that #DroppingTheSBomb & my third short film #LettingGo were both accepted into the #NiceInternationalFilmFestival (5/12/16) & will be screening at the #MarcheDuFilm at #Cannes (5/14/16) this year! In Nice, Dropping the S Bomb was nominated for Best Original Screenplay of a Feature Film and Talented New Director while Letting Go was nominated for Best Original Screenplay of a Short Film. I was also nominated for Best Lead Actress in a Short Film!

Success happens when your time & energy are directed towards the proper channel. In the past, I’ve relentlessly kept knocking on closed doors hoping that one day, if I kept on knocking, those doors would eventually open…and as I’m sitting there knocking, I didn’t realize that those doors were locked. As I’m standing there knocking, I would find myself questioning my worth falling into a state of depression becoming mentally paralyzed, unable to rise up out of the filth I allowed myself to sink into…

In the past couple years, I’ve changed in that now when a door closes, I knock once & actually try to open it. If it’s locked, instead of fighting and trying desperately to pry open something that maybe shouldn’t ever have been open to begin with, I simply shift my focus towards a different door…one that may be open for me but I may have missed because I refused to move away from the door that was not only slammed shut but also locked.

I think in the past, the reason why I felt so defeated every time I came across a door that was shut is because I didn’t see my worth. All the locked doors I came across only served as validation of my deepest insecurities that I buried with a smile which served as a facade that life was great.

These shut doors metaphorically showed up most in my acting career and on the search to find “the one” – it still amazes me the parallels between both worlds and I think I’ve learned similar lessons in my experiences with both because of all the things in my life, I had placed those 2 things (acting career & future husband) on a very high pedestal for the simple reason that they were my heart’s desires.

Looking back, I wish I wouldn’t have wasted so much time and energy on those doors that were not only shut, but locked…it took me a decade to learn that there are endless doors all around us and within those open doors, you’ll find the one that leads to your destiny.

Just because a door opens for someone doesn’t mean that it’s going to open for you…but that ok because maybe the door you’re supposed to go through is in the opposite direction and better tailored for you & all your past experiences.

For those who will be traveling to France in May, I’d love to invite you all to the screening of my films – please email me if you’d like more information & hope to see you there! selahpictures@gmail.com

Change

 

 

“I can’t do better than _______”

Since moving up the Bay Area and embarking on an adventure of stepping out of my comfort zone in both love & career, I was stunned to discover the parallels of both in my life.

Looking back, there have been times where I stayed at a job or stayed in a relationship or kept working at a friendship for far longer than I should have… largely because of the statement in the beginning that continuously reverberated throughout my mind.

The truth?

You can…and if after taking a hard look at your soul… if that person or job or thing is sucking the life out of you… making you feel like shit… causing you to doubt yourself and the scales are unbalanced leaning further towards the negative than the positive… then guess what… it’s time for you to wake up and remind yourself of your worth.

We all were created to be loved, respected and meant to embark on a life adventure that makes us come alive for it is in this pursuit that we are then ushered into our destiny…

…but so often, we’re dragged down by fear, doubt and our own insecurities…and we stay within our comfort zone…we stay at that job…we stay in that relationship…we keep hanging out with those “friends”

..what’s worse is when you surround yourself with people who only further aggravate your own insecurities which only leave you feeling inadequate and filled with anxiety. You’re afraid to mess up because it seems like your boss/partner/friend is waiting for you to mess up so they can brashly point out your flaws for all to see…
It is when we as human beings feel absolutely loved and are surrounded by people who have cultivated a safe environment that we then find the courage to take risks and step out into the unknown…which many times, has a huge pay off.

After almost 5 years at EMC, I handed in my letter of resignation and shortly after, signed my acceptance letter to join the family at Salesforce in San Francisco.

Not going to lie…
I was scared…
…but in just the past year, I have been to San Francisco for acting projects more times than I’ve been since moving up to the Bay Area.

As I went through the interview process…

Not going to lie…
I was scared…
…but I was amazed at how quickly I went through each interview
…and for my final interview with my new boss, instead of pretending to be someone I wasn’t… I was transparent with him.  I shared with him my love for film and that I was an actor who frequently went out on auditions in the city
… and his response was one of support which dispelled any fears I had

It’s interesting how as human beings, there are several traits that we all collectively crave:
comfort…
predictability…
routine…
but isn’t it interesting how in the midst of the aforementioned that we naturally crave…if we sense that something isn’t right…and we boldly step out…we find ourselves in a situation that is BETTER than what we ever could have imagined?

If you find yourself unhappy about something…
Have faith…and step out into the unknown…

If you sense that something isn’t right…
Have faith…and step out into the unknown…

I don’t care what anyone says…God did not mean for us to stay in a situation that makes us miserable…and if someone is making you miserable, you should not feel like you need to be a martyr…you have options and you CAN do better… I promise you.

Last year, I knew that I had EMC, VMWare & Dell on board as sites for my film festival. ..now that I’m joining Salesforce, I’m adding another company to the list of locations where my film festival will take place.
I’m curious to see how many more tech giants I can add to my list…

In life, people will either help you or not help you…
Invest in those who are always willing to help you and distance yourself from those who don’t because *reality check* these people are not your friends and keeping them in your life will only drain you…especially if you’re the type of person that is willing to take the shirt off your back for them if they were to ask.

Before the year started, I knew 2016 would be a year filled with change… but at only 3 months in, I can’t even begin to imagine what’s next…

*cheers* to embracing change & fearlessly stepping out into the unknown

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you’re my God!

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Judging Others

I think the biggest transformation that I’ve undergone in the past decade is marked by a behavior that I once would secretly do in the depths of my own fallible heart…judging others.
Looking back, this behavior may have stemmed from my own deeply rooted insecurities (unbeknownst to me at the time) – I believed that to be accepted, by my peers, parents & God… I had to be perfect & always “do the right thing” even when I didn’t really want to… & this resentment, I think bubbled over when I would see someone behaving in a way that I was trying so hard to not behave. In turn, it would make me feel better about myself casting judgment on them because I would remind myself of how great I was whenever I would get down on myself…

I didn’t have much control over my life growing up… having been born to immigrant parents who came to america & were barely making ends meet with their own small businesses while keeping their marriage together by a thread, I struggled with navigating my way through the world & due to my lack of control… frequently feeling overwhelmed with so many unknowns… I found myself being the good girl that always did what she was told…

The biggest wake up call came for me when my parents’ marriage inevitably unraveled after I moved up to the bay area. To cope with the pain in my own heart that I had been harboring for years prior, I rebelled: I stopped going to church & I stopped opening up to God about how I was feeling… what was once an intimate relationship slowly faded into an acquaintanceship. Instead of waiting on God… I decided enough was enough & I started engaging in reckless behaviors breaking many hearts along the way of those who stepped into my path of silent destruction…

On one hand, this was probably a period of time marked with more anxiety than ever before as I lived out my day to day seeped in more loneliness than I could have ever imagined. However, I’m also incredibly thankful for that phase of my life… because having emerged from that painful season of my life, God truly has broken me of a behavior that was the antithesis to the One I claimed to have known intimately. The amazing thing about Jesus when he was walking this earth was how he interacted with those who were marginalized, looked down upon & judged by society. Instead of jumping on the bandwagon & finding the cool kids to hang out with… Jesus embraced those that no one wanted…He embraced the sinner, the broken & diseased. As a result, these peoples’ lives were transformed & made whole…

I’ve been running away from God & hiding in the bushes for years…which is probably why when I heard this message this past Sunday… I broke down & was bawling… literally… sobbing quietly to myself because I didn’t want to disrupt those around me.

I realized this past Sunday how horrible judging someone is because in behaving this way, they not only are sinking in their own insecurities & deeply rooted hurts, but worse, they are closing themselves off from understanding where someone is coming from & in turn… closing themselves off from their own personal growth & transformation…

I think the reason why Jesus is so beautiful is because He takes us as we are… and just loves on us… never gives up on us… & all He asks from us is to come with an open heart…

Check out the message below when you get a chance – although our human parents will fall short in many ways, what a beautiful reminder of the type of Father we have who is waiting for us to open our hearts to Him once again…

Sexual Abuse

Did you know that 1 in 3 women & 1 in 6 men are sexually abused? It saddens me the lies that are perpetuated by oneself after falling victim to this sort of abuse. I’ve been consistently going back to church and have started the process of opening my heart up to Christ again after a season of disappointment and chaos…and it’s amazing these new feelings, people & wisdom that has flooded my mind, heart & life. It’s almost as if the moment a person cries out to God… He in His mercy speaks to us in a way that we can’t ignore.

I grew up hearing the story of Bathsheba in the Old Testament of the Bible and frequently heard pastors preach in a way that put the blame on Bathsheba.

How refreshing this message was….you’ve got to check this out.

To the victims of sexual abuse – you are not alone, you are loved, you are precious & it is NOT your fault.